One million bulbs of Christmas Luv.
buKit here. Your kjunglerants war correspondent. I'm embedded here in the war on our own soil. The war to figure out exactly just what is wrong with people.
I've noticed that kjungleboy's postings of late have been of a 'holiday' or in the case of his Kwanzaa entry 'pseudo-holiday' nature so I thought I'd chime in with a holiday observation of my own.
This past weekend the in-laws were in town and in the interest of getting out of the house it was decided-I'm not sure by whom-that we were to venture out one night to view the BigXmasLightShow®. For the uninitiated, the BigXmasLightShow® is a festive holiday display of -yes- Christmas lights. At a local public park here in the region they set up a display of lights for you to drive through-but I'm getting ahead of myself.
After locating a phone number on the web for information on the display, I gave it a call to get information. I had questions - questions that needed answers. Where was the place? What were the hours? Could I bring my 12 gauge in to take out lights or would only air rifles (i.e. the Red Rider model) be permitted? These were the burning questions.
The voice on the other end of the phone was - of course - a recording, because nobody actually talks on or answers the phone anymore. Even better, it was the voice of a sweet little girl, hawking the BigXmasLightShow® and all of it's other-worldly delights. She went on in her little Shirley Temple voice (reading from the card the cigar huffing used car-salesman had written out) about how she loved certain parts of the light display and how her mom liked this part and how her brother loved the 'outerspace' display (Christmas and Aliens, can you have both? Or is that like Jerry Falwell supporting the war in Iraq?). The little girl, or 'CutiePie' as I've come to call her, as this surely must be her name, also delivered all the incidentals such as location, hours, and cost with all the dexterity of a Land's End customer service representative. Alas there was no mention made as to what sort of weaponry would be permitted. I was told though that the 1st 100 cars through each night would receive a free Urban Sombrero, courtesy of the local BigChainClothingStore®. Ok so that's not true, but at this point it wouldn't have surprised me.
The whole light display is, of course, for charity, but I will only mention that in passing, as it takes some of the edge off my biting cynicism, and that would make for a much less entertaining read. Find fault if you will, but you've read this far....
Night falls. While businessmen and soccermoms schmooze over scotches and fake conversation with 'A Yanni Christmas' playing in the background - we steal into the night in our most wretched of vehicles, the minivan - to enjoy the most White Trash of the Christmas Festivites, the BigXmasLightShow®. All that was missing was a cooler of Budweiser Tall boys to pass around. The fact that the minivan was a rental and had no dents and all it's hubcaps did give away our obvious lower middle class origins, however it would have to do. I considered removing one tire and putting the donut spare on to better camoflauge us amongst the locals, but at the last minute decided against it. I would need all the traction I could get should I need to make a hasty getaway.
We found our way out to the sticks where the BigXmasLightShow® was installed. I paid my 12 bucks per carload to the collective of people huddled around the entrance staying warm by sticking close to 55 gallon drums with wooden fires burning inside. Drums genrously donated by BigOil® - "and a thanks to everyone for burning copious amounts of fossil fuel to come view the lights! Merry Christmas! Please feel free to use the drums as flotation devices when the polar ice caps melt! Good day!"
I do believe that there was probably at least a million bulbs as the website and CutiePie had purported. There was a 'Noah's Ark' display, but alas no 'Theory of Evolution' display. I momentarily considered contacting the ACLU but decided against it, by the time I got my case into court the light show would probably have been packed up and moved, thus destroying any evidence I had. Damn Christmas Lighters - they're like civil rights infringing ninjas - they hit you in the Santa gut and then fade away into the Holy Night. In hindsight, maybe I should have contacted them, aren't they after all trying to get rid of Christmas all together? Probably best that I didn't help their case too much, I for one, am in favor of keeping Christmas around - it's the only way I can get time off work.
So we wove our way through the 2 miles of lights at the prescribed 10 miles an hour. It was too hard for me to turn the car and get shots off with the air rifle, so I eventually abandoned the whole idea - I'd have to stick to houses on my street. As I was sitting there, with the other cars, bumper to bumper I had a thought about those fellas up in the space station above the earth. I imagined a conversation something like this:
Perfect Human Specimen in both body and mind (hereafter referred to as Astronaut) #1:
"Hey can you pass me another tube of turkey with green beans - whoa! What is that!"
Astro #2:
"The computer is telling me it's a huge cloud of gas being emitted from the earth's surface...must be some sort of seismic thing, volcano or something."
Astro #1:
"Uh, dumbass, that's the Northeastern United States. There's no volcano there. There's only one other logical explanation."
Astro #2 (getting it):
"Ahhhh. Right. Christmas Light Display. Must be a busy night, lots of cars. Damn, that's a huge fucking cloud."
Astro #1:
" Yea. I'm no rocket scientist, but that can't be good. You gonna drink that cup of sweet potatoes?"
Overall it would seem that we are destined to do harm even when we try to do good.
Happy Holidays.
I've noticed that kjungleboy's postings of late have been of a 'holiday' or in the case of his Kwanzaa entry 'pseudo-holiday' nature so I thought I'd chime in with a holiday observation of my own.
This past weekend the in-laws were in town and in the interest of getting out of the house it was decided-I'm not sure by whom-that we were to venture out one night to view the BigXmasLightShow®. For the uninitiated, the BigXmasLightShow® is a festive holiday display of -yes- Christmas lights. At a local public park here in the region they set up a display of lights for you to drive through-but I'm getting ahead of myself.
After locating a phone number on the web for information on the display, I gave it a call to get information. I had questions - questions that needed answers. Where was the place? What were the hours? Could I bring my 12 gauge in to take out lights or would only air rifles (i.e. the Red Rider model) be permitted? These were the burning questions.
The voice on the other end of the phone was - of course - a recording, because nobody actually talks on or answers the phone anymore. Even better, it was the voice of a sweet little girl, hawking the BigXmasLightShow® and all of it's other-worldly delights. She went on in her little Shirley Temple voice (reading from the card the cigar huffing used car-salesman had written out) about how she loved certain parts of the light display and how her mom liked this part and how her brother loved the 'outerspace' display (Christmas and Aliens, can you have both? Or is that like Jerry Falwell supporting the war in Iraq?). The little girl, or 'CutiePie' as I've come to call her, as this surely must be her name, also delivered all the incidentals such as location, hours, and cost with all the dexterity of a Land's End customer service representative. Alas there was no mention made as to what sort of weaponry would be permitted. I was told though that the 1st 100 cars through each night would receive a free Urban Sombrero, courtesy of the local BigChainClothingStore®. Ok so that's not true, but at this point it wouldn't have surprised me.
The whole light display is, of course, for charity, but I will only mention that in passing, as it takes some of the edge off my biting cynicism, and that would make for a much less entertaining read. Find fault if you will, but you've read this far....
Night falls. While businessmen and soccermoms schmooze over scotches and fake conversation with 'A Yanni Christmas' playing in the background - we steal into the night in our most wretched of vehicles, the minivan - to enjoy the most White Trash of the Christmas Festivites, the BigXmasLightShow®. All that was missing was a cooler of Budweiser Tall boys to pass around. The fact that the minivan was a rental and had no dents and all it's hubcaps did give away our obvious lower middle class origins, however it would have to do. I considered removing one tire and putting the donut spare on to better camoflauge us amongst the locals, but at the last minute decided against it. I would need all the traction I could get should I need to make a hasty getaway.
We found our way out to the sticks where the BigXmasLightShow® was installed. I paid my 12 bucks per carload to the collective of people huddled around the entrance staying warm by sticking close to 55 gallon drums with wooden fires burning inside. Drums genrously donated by BigOil® - "and a thanks to everyone for burning copious amounts of fossil fuel to come view the lights! Merry Christmas! Please feel free to use the drums as flotation devices when the polar ice caps melt! Good day!"
I do believe that there was probably at least a million bulbs as the website and CutiePie had purported. There was a 'Noah's Ark' display, but alas no 'Theory of Evolution' display. I momentarily considered contacting the ACLU but decided against it, by the time I got my case into court the light show would probably have been packed up and moved, thus destroying any evidence I had. Damn Christmas Lighters - they're like civil rights infringing ninjas - they hit you in the Santa gut and then fade away into the Holy Night. In hindsight, maybe I should have contacted them, aren't they after all trying to get rid of Christmas all together? Probably best that I didn't help their case too much, I for one, am in favor of keeping Christmas around - it's the only way I can get time off work.
So we wove our way through the 2 miles of lights at the prescribed 10 miles an hour. It was too hard for me to turn the car and get shots off with the air rifle, so I eventually abandoned the whole idea - I'd have to stick to houses on my street. As I was sitting there, with the other cars, bumper to bumper I had a thought about those fellas up in the space station above the earth. I imagined a conversation something like this:
Perfect Human Specimen in both body and mind (hereafter referred to as Astronaut) #1:
"Hey can you pass me another tube of turkey with green beans - whoa! What is that!"
Astro #2:
"The computer is telling me it's a huge cloud of gas being emitted from the earth's surface...must be some sort of seismic thing, volcano or something."
Astro #1:
"Uh, dumbass, that's the Northeastern United States. There's no volcano there. There's only one other logical explanation."
Astro #2 (getting it):
"Ahhhh. Right. Christmas Light Display. Must be a busy night, lots of cars. Damn, that's a huge fucking cloud."
Astro #1:
" Yea. I'm no rocket scientist, but that can't be good. You gonna drink that cup of sweet potatoes?"
Overall it would seem that we are destined to do harm even when we try to do good.
Happy Holidays.
posted by Anonymous at 3:46 PM
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